early days
by sugar free vanilla
Summary: A little look into Alexis' early days, in Castle's eyes. Oneshot.


**So, I was listening to 'With a Song in My Heart' by Doris Day (because that is what all of the cool sixteen year olds out there dig these days...) and this sprung into my head and wanted out.**

**Incidentally, the song was composed by Richard Rodgers. Fun fact.**

_With a song in my heart  
>I behold your adorable face.<br>Just a song at the start  
>but it soon is a hymn to your grace.<em>

_(With a Song in My Heart - lyrics by Lorenz Hart)_

It sears his soul.

There's no other way to put it; he cradles the tiny treasure in his arms, eyes worshipping the delicate face with a tenderness that burns fiercely through his veins. The littlest nose he's ever seen, wrinkling slightly as its owner puffs out snuffling breaths. Fragile blonde eyelashes skim cherubic cheeks, parted lips a blossom pink cupid's bow as they tremble slightly in her newborn sleep.

He'll never be over this. Over her. This little girl who is half him, whom he loves so entirely, so completely with a depth he'd never imagined himself to be capable of until he held her in his arms for that very first time.

He's so tired, should sleep - he barely has in the six days since they brought her home from the hospital. But this, keeping watch over his daughter as she slumbers; he lives for this now, the gentle rise and fall of her chest and the way her doll-like hands curl around his finger when he brushes against the so-soft skin.

The adoration that has set up a permanent home deep in his bone swells, a golden crest of love that rips through him almost painfully, his heart an erratic _thump thump thump _against his ribcage as it reaches out for its new reason for beating.

_A-lex-is_, is all he can hear in the unsteady rhythm, her name clattering in his chest and vibrating through his entire being.

* * *

><p>He's never seen anything so beautiful.<p>

That gummy, toothless smile that has just flipped his world on its axis and has it spinning for a whole new purpose. To keep that smile on his daughter's face forever.

"I love you." He tells her. "I love you so much."

Her wide-eyed gaze fixes on her father with a startling intensity-

-and then she opens her mouth with a gurgle, lips sparking up at the corners as she reaches a pudgy little fist towards his face.

He _tries _not to cry. He does.

* * *

><p>"Hey, hey there, baby girl." He's supposedly writing but Alexis is babbling nonsense at him from her playpen, standing up with her fingers clutching tightly at the bars for support. "Daddy's just getting to the denouement of his story! Isn't that exciting?!" He pokes his tongue out of her and crosses his eyes.<p>

He gets exactly the response he was looking for - that gleeful giggle that sets his soul singing, her laugh playing his heartstrings like the most talented of violinists. She claps her hands together as she does and it throws her off balance so that she drops onto the floor, landing with her mouth pursed in a surprised '_o'._

His breath catches in his chest because she might start screaming or-

Delight peals from her lungs, an endless stream of joy that tugs him towards her and has him reaching down to scoop her up, swinging his world in his arms.

"Daddy!"

He almost drops her.

Is he hearing things? She's fourteen months and he'd been beginning to think she'd never talk.

"Alexis?"

"Daddy! Denouement, Daddy!"

The tears that slide down his cheeks spring from nowhere as he hugs his baby tight to his chest.

He is _so _telling people her first word was denouement. It's only a tiny lie, after all.

* * *

><p>She's sick. She's sick and it's killing him to see her like this, pale skin marred by angry red sores. Her keening cries threaten to tear his heart from his body as he holds her wrists still to stop Alexis scratching as he rubs calamine lotion onto the rashes in an attempt to soothe.<p>

Hot, salty drops blur his vision and edge along the sides of his nose as he comforts his daughter; phantom pain haunting him as he imagines what his precious little toddler is going through, on top of the anger that he's doing this alone.

_She _is staying with friends for a week. She's never had chicken pox and _doesn't plan on changing that anytime soon._

It claws at him, that the mother of his child isn't doing anything to make Alexis feel better, not even just with her presence. Kills him that it all comes down to him, even if he's more than willing to shoulder this burden, the way the accusation in his daughter's eyes rips at his vulnerable places.

Because his baby bird is so worth it, worth everything.

She's everything.

* * *

><p>"Not a baby, Daddy!" She sing-songs at him as he scoops her from her bed to cradle her against his chest, just like he can remember doing when she was first born.<p>

"Yes a baby. Always my baby." He lifts her higher, blowing a raspberry against the exposed skin at her belly button where her pajama shirt has ridden up during the night. His entire being bursts into song as she shrieks with ticklish laughter, writhes in his arms until he drops her back onto the bed where she lies breathless, giggles still shaking her skinny shoulders.

"Yes! Fine, Daddy. Still a baby." She relents as he waggles his fingers at her, threatening another attack to her ribcage. "_Even though _I start school today."

His stomach lifts to his throat and drops to his slippers at once - it's a strange sensation he's been becoming more and more familiar with as today drew closer - at the thought of his daughter starting school. The feeling tightens his throat and pricks at his eyes until he shoves it away.

"School! Yes. You know, I think this calls for a celebratory breakfast."

"Smiley face pancakes?"

"Of course. With icecream."

"Icecream? For breakfast?" Her blue eyes are wide and full of awe - with maybe a little hint of doubt because _oh, _only his five year old would worry about frozen deliciousness not being an appropriately nutritious way to start the morning. But then she grins and launches herself at his neck like the little monkey she is. "I suppose it is a special day."

"Of course. Not every day my favourite little girl starts school!"

"_Daddy._" That 'you're so silly' tone to her voice that he adores. "I'm your _only _little girl."

"Right you are, Pumpkin. Now how about those pancakes?"

Alexis hoovers up the ice cream but prods at the last of her pancake almost dejectedly. Concern shoots through him with the force of a bullet.

"Sweetheart, are you okay?"

She dips her head, heavy curtain of red hair hiding her face from him as she nods. His heart lurches in his chest, yearning to find out what's troubling his daughter, longing to protect her from whatever it is.

He waits her out. She'll tell him. She always does.

"I wish Mommy were here."

It's a slap to the still-stinging wound that his separation has dealt him, the anguish of finding his wife in bed with another man. The agony of having her leave even after his willingness to try and make it work, for their daughter's sake. The ache of his impending divorce.

Alexis catches his flinch and the sorrow in her eyes at saying something that caused him pain squeezes a steel grip around his lungs.

"Yeah, baby. Me too."

He just wants Alexis to have her Mommy.

At the school gate, he offers to leave but she drags him right into the playground with a tight clutch on his hand. They reach the door and she clings to his leg until he pulls her off and up, buries his head in her hair as he cuddles her close.

"Have a great day, baby bird. You're gonna love it so much."

"Okay, Daddy, I will." She pats his cheek gently before pressing a sloppy kiss to the same spot. "You'll be here to pick me up?"

"Of course, Pumpkin. Now go have fun." He's really got to get out of there before he starts to cry.

"Daddy?" She adds as he sets her back down. "I _do _wish Mommy were here. But you're all I need."

He doesn't think he's entirely successful in choking back a sob as he watches his daughter slip into her classroom, and with it, the next phase of her life.


End file.
